Calling Ms. Manners

OK it happened again. A week or so ago we had invited two other couples, who I'd call casual acquaintances, to join us for an evening of grillin' and chillin' on the deck. Both immediately accepted. Then within a few day each calls and says I hope you don't mind, but I invited my neighbors to join us and the other invites their sister. Seems rather rude to invite someone to another's home without checking first with the host. This is the third time recently that we've hosted some "event" and the invitees bring it upon themselves to expand the guest list without getting prior approval.
Am I wrong to be annoyed?
'Winger

Am I wrong to be annoyed?

Nope. I suspect I'd be a lot more than just annoyed though...

[Robin Garr]

Am I wrong to be annoyed?
'Winger

Welcome to the rural South (and yes, Southern Indiana qualifies), where everybody is extended family.

In my heart, I don't believe your acquaintances think they're being rude. Did they also bring a covered dish, a bottle of wine, a dessert or salad that you hadn't asked for?

Definitely sounds annoying and shocking. Unless your invitation of 'grillin and chillin' somehow sounded like a larger party to them?

Or if that is some strange local custom that is common among your neighbors, since they both did it?

I see Robin's post is agreeing with my 'strange local custom' interpretation. So is that because everyone feels casual and friendly enough to expect hospitality? And is always ready to provide hospitality? And houses are so big that people are expected to have enough food in the refrigerator and enough space to accomodate unexpected guests?

Can't comment on the strange local custom as I haven't lived here long enough too know all the localisms. I don't believe that they had reason to expect a larger event as I told each of them (they are acquainted) who had been invited.
Robin-the one couple brought their own beer.

[Jenise]

It's very rude in my book--especially since they didn't ask if they could invite others, they asked if it was allright AFTER they'd done the dirty deed. I'm surprised at any 'local customs' that would support such a thing, but if that's the way it goes, at least now you know and can plan accordingly. Bringing their own beer isn't quite enough, though.

Nah, that's rude and thoughtless. Nola contendere.

When we have a party like that, we plan it carefully. We like to provide generous servings, but don't like a lot of leftovers. I don't think very many people have an unlimited amount of hamburgers, rolls, beer, wine, etc on hand for such things. Well, maybe beer and wine! The problem we run into is people backing out after provisions have been purchased. I'm talking primarily about family members who have asked in advance if they can bring friends, and it is usually the friends that back out at the last minute, albeit usually for legitamate reasons such as health.

Well, they sure put you in a pickle. Not very fair. I'd stay true to your plans.
Next time, politely respond, that having everyone together sounds like a wonderful idea, and perhaps down the road, but for right now, you can only budget and plan for those already invited. Suggest that another time, perhaps you can all get together at his/her house. Maybe by throwing that little twist of places to have the party might wake them up...one can hope anyway.

I could see this being ok if you were close friends and they knew that this sort of thing would not bother you. Under the circumstances, I also believe it was rude of them to invite others along without checking with you first.

We're not conservative dressing in the wine country for dinner, proper attire means like shirt, pants, (shorts ok) & shoes. Bringing xtra people with you would be seen as rude and perhaps you're the victim of sunstoke.

I think my first response would have been "why"?, once they informed me that they had invited someone else. Then I would have waited to hear their answer(s). Then I would have said no more. No approval, no disapproval -- just silence and no further conversation about the event. It is not only rude, it's taking you and your hospitality for granted, without knowing enough about you to do so. Local customs are great when you are the host, but you have no right to impose them on me and my purse.

Definitely not a local custom in the upper Midwest. I'm with everyone else...rude, inconsiderate and unacceptable. After three times I might word the initial invite to try and circumvent a fourth.

Ms. Manners (channeling through me) considers this very rude and unacceptable behavior.

It is possibly OK, when accepting an invitation, to ask whether one might bring additional guests. Although, even then, Ms. Manners would only dare that presumption with a close friend or family member--to avoid putting the party offering the invitation on the spot.

It is, ultimately, the hostess's/host's right to decide who is or is not invited to the hosted event. Guests have no right to take the liberty of inviting others to come along, and thus to risk placing a burden of unwanted hospitality on the hosts of the event.

-Paul W.

Rude. Violation of the host/guest relationship.

Really rude. What I would consider the proper thing would be to call you and say, "I'm so sorry, we are going to have to decline the invitation afterall. So and so's sister unexpectedly came to town and we aren't comfortable leaving her alone on her first night here." Of course it is then up to the host to say, "Oh, please, bring her!" or say, "Okay, we'll make it another night."

[Robin Garr]

Definitely not a local custom in the upper Midwest. I'm with everyone else...rude, inconsiderate and unacceptable. After three times I might word the initial invite to try and circumvent a fourth.

Since I'm the guy who brought up the "local custom" observation, I think I ought to make clear that I'm talking about RURAL custom - Bill lives farther out in the country that I would want to do, but I'm still fixed in the belief that Southern *country* hospitality is a flexible thing, and that the idea of putting extra water in the soup if unexpected guests shows up goes back a very long way.

We live in the city. That wouldn't happen here. But I'm just sayin'. I think we're being a little quick to be judgmental about interpreting the usual behavior of a different culture as "rude" because it differs from our standards.

I'd see it as rude even in the rural situations I've been involved with. You ask nicely if you can bring someone and my answer would normally be no, as you have other obligations, we'll excuse you from attending the dinner this time. You don't invite someone else and then tell your host. That is presumptuous in any sort of civil company I've ever been involved with.

[Robin Garr]

I'd see it as rude even in the rural situations I've been involved with. You ask nicely if you can bring someone and my answer would normally be no, as you have other obligations, we'll excuse you from attending the dinner this time. You don't invite someone else and then tell your host. That is presumptuous in any sort of civil company I've ever been involved with.

So, counter rude with rude?

I'd see it as rude even in the rural situations I've been involved with. You ask nicely if you can bring someone and my answer would normally be no, as you have other obligations, we'll excuse you from attending the dinner this time. You don't invite someone else and then tell your host. That is presumptuous in any sort of civil company I've ever been involved with.

So, counter rude with rude?

I'm not sure how the other person would react - perhaps say that the added party need not come, perhaps not. But your demur need not be rude if properly couched.

[Jenise]

I'm not sure how the other person would react - perhaps say that the added party need not come, perhaps not. But your demur need not be rude if properly couched.

I agree, and in fact see it as slightly rude of Robin to presume that you'd behave rudely in so doing. Many is the time I've had to cheerfully tell someone, "Hey, looks like you have another obligation and this isn't going to work out for you. We'll do it another time when it's more convenient, okay?" Sure they have no choice but to accept that they've put me in a position I'm not going to go along with, but no one is forced to be offended.

Well, I think it's rude to call someone else rude when that person is questioning the potential rudeness of a person who is counseling others to be rude, all in response to rudeness.

And is rudeness disguised not still rudeness? It's kind of rude to pretend you're not being rude when, in fact, you are being rude, isn't it?

Or is rudeness, like Jimmy Carter's lust, only in the heart?

Maybe it's up to each one of us to look deep in our heart and say, "I have been rude."

Or conversely, we could look deeply into our heart and say, "F**k it; who cares?"

Or conversely, we could look deeply into our heart and say, "F**k it; who cares?"

Bless your heart, Hoke.