I need to make a cheese thing, something involving blue and cheddar preferably moistened/seasoned with a bit of, say, brandy, that I can form into logs and cut into little rounds to put on a cheese plate. Of course, as usual this thing has never existed in my real and earnest little life, it just sounds good in my head and so I want to do it. To get inspiration from others and decide the final direction for this hopefully festive concoction, I went to search the internet for recipes and found my fingers dangling over the keys as I struggled to even think of what this kind of thing would usually be called. Not spread, I don't want anything that soft, what I'm imagining is more a compound cheese. Cheese log didn't turn up much either, there had to be another name. Then it occurred to me, my favorite put-down name for the kind of restaurant that tries to act hi-falutin but misses the mark by a mile: Chez Cheese Ball. Yes, what I'm making would probably categorically be considered a cheese ball in American cooking vernacular, even if I shape it differently.
So I went to Epicurious, that fountain of generally good recipes that have appeared in such venerable publications as Gourmet and Bon Appetit magazines. Result? One. And get this: Teriyaki Cheese Ball. I burst out laughing. Somehow, to me, those words do not belong in the same name. Sounds like something they'd have at an Outback Steak House. Blooming Teriyaki Cheese Ball. I then tried cheese log. Nothing. Well, nothing but a recipe that called for a "goat cheese log" in the ingredients.
So from there I ventured out into the strange, unchartered wilds of the internet at large, that odd, unsafe world where ketchup and onion soup mix are the Somali pirates of food, attacking better foods than they are and winning. And there I've spent the last hour, like Alice after she fell in the hole, surprised, shocked, and finally delighted with the strange new world of attractively tacky food I found. Some actually sound quite good even if not close to what I was looking for (didn't find a one in fact that got close to the idea in my head), but a goodly number were just great fun to read and gawk at.
In fact, I compiled a Wierd Cheese Ball Top Ten List. The recipe names are intact as found. Here you go!
Carrot Cheesecake Ball: Cream cheese with crushed pineapple, coconut, carrots, and raisins, flavored with ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon, and vanilla rolled in graham cracker crumbs. (And we are rolling all this into a ball because....?)
Cheddar Cheese Ball by Marylou: Combines cheddar cheese with chopped gerkins, garlic, curry powder, cayenne pepper, mayonnaise, parsley, walnuts, cooked ham, onion, onion soup mix, ketchup, and lemon juice. (Yes! Ketchup AND onion soup mix! My world is complete.)
Party Cheese Ball #1- Cream cheese, Velveeta, chedder, Worcestershire sauce, and green olives rolled in chipped beef. (Crazy as it sounds, I'd probably love this.)
Cheese Ball: "One ball serves approximately 20. The recipe can be doubled to make two balls or divided in half to serve 10." (Wow! I'd have never figured that out!)
Cherry-Pineapple Cheese Ball: "Best if prepared a few hours in advance." (I'd say probably best if prepared about 50 years in advance. That way, I won't live to taste it.)
Curried Shrimp Cheese Ball: Canned shrimp, cheese and minced onion are rolled in a coconut and curry powder mixture. (Proof that no cuisine is safe from cheeseballization. But that aside, canned shrimp??? No. No no no no NO.)
Party Cheese Ball #2: Combines cream cheese, crushed pineapple, pecans, green bell pepper, and onion. (A jello salad without the jello!)
Three-Way Cheese Ball: (Food...or sex toy?)
10, 2, & 4 Cheese Ball: American cheese, cream cheese and Dr. Pepper are the main ingredients. (No. Comment. Required.)
And finally (drum roll, Paul), number 10, the wierdest ball of them all!
Chocolate Chip Cheese Ball: "serve with graham crackers". (Like I even got far enough to wonder what to serve it on.)
