A cute line from the NYTimes report on the Tour de France ...

15.25 Landis and the boys from Phonak are at the front of the peloton but the pace still resembles an escargot.

I suppose an escargot's pace is even slower than a snail's pace.

[Jenise]

So a guy opened his front door and found a snail on the mat. He picked it up and threw it as far as he could, then shut the door.

About six months later there was a knock on the door. The guy opened it and found the same snail on the mat. "So," said the snail, "what was THAT all about?"

:-)

A turtle reports to the cops that he had been chased down and mugged by a group of snails. The cops ask for a description and the turtle replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast..."

[Jenise]

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow that he went out and bought a 240-Z. He then had an 'S' for snail painted over the 'Z' so that everyone he passed would say, "Look at that S car go!"

A man went to his boss' costume party with nothing on but a naked woman on his back.

"What the heck are you supposed to be?" the boss asked.

"I'm a snail," the man replied.

"You're full of baloney!" his boss spat back. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked woman on your back?"

"You've got it wrong," the man replied. "That's Michelle."

[Jenise]

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for a bunch of diplomats in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach and gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed and grabbed a bucket.

Once on the beach, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling. She noticed him too, a conversation got started, and then she invited him to her apartment. Things quickly progressed to the bedroom. The sex was so exhausting that the man fell asleep and didn't wake up until 7:00 the next morning.

"Oh no!!!, he excclaimed, "My wife's dinner party!!!" He dressed, grabbed his bucket and ran all the way back to his apartment, which happened to be on the second floor. He was in such a hurry that he tripped at the top of the stairs and all the snails spilled down. At which moment his wife opened the door.

The guy pretended not to notice and called encouraging down the stairs, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

A turtle reports to the cops that he had been chased down and mugged by a group of snails. The cops ask for a description and the turtle replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast..."

That's a good one!