The Bad Substitutions Hall of Fame is now open

[Jenise]

Cafes that sell "cappucino" that is made out of instant coffee with steamed milk.
Yes, such things happen. If I can't see the coffee machine, I won't order coffee.

True story from the You Can Dress Them Up and Take Them Out, But Department: took my parents to a high end Italian restaurant and after dinner I ordered cappucinos for all four of us. This was before there were any Starbucks in Los Angeles. When Betty took a sip of hers, she made a face and blurted in alarm, "they forgot the booze!" She thought they'd slipped HER a poor substitution for the hot liquor-laced 50's era bar concoction that was all she knew about the word 'cappucino'.

Cow corn for sweet corn.

My bride would argue that point with you. She grew up on a dairy farm where her father grew corn for silage, and she loves the old-fashioned version. She says modern corn is nothing but agribusiness pandering to the national sweet tooth.

NO, NO, NO, NO. There has always been a difference between "sweet corn" and "field corn" grown for the livestock.

My father would have agreed with the Chef and us. He sold the first sweet corn (Golden Bantam) to appear on Long Island from the first farm stand to appear on Long Island to put himself and five siblings through college during the Great Depression in the '30s.

Really don't think eating sweet corn is pandering to the national sweet tooth, but tell her we love her anyway.

Every "Greek" restaurant that substitutes pork or chicken for the traditional lamb in souvlaki!

Our (Santa Barbara) Greek Festival - run by the Orthodox church - makes their Souvlaki from F*in' pork. Those cheap SOBs think only about profit, not authenticy. I'm surprised they don't use racoon meat.

The worst example was probably a catering mistake, not an intentional substitution. But the result was so outlandish, it is worth reporting.

I was flying back in the days that airlines served hot food in the main cabin. My entree - probably fish or chicken, with a piquant tomato-based sauce - had oddly crunchy capers. Or at least that would have made sense. The caterer must have mixed up dried green peppercorns for capers in the recipe. I had to pick out a lot of peppercorns from the sauce.

A few more...

Following up on Daniel's post. I hate it when non-dairy creamer is the replacement for any milk or cream. Like machines that dispense a cappucino, but do not tell you that it is using non-dairy substitute.

Artificial sweeteners. Never, ever buy or eat anything with them. If you are on a diet, learn to lose your sweet tooth. If you are diabetic, figure out which fruit are OK. But skip the poison whose only role is to enable dependancy on sweet flavors.

Egg Beaters. per Zappa, Don't you eat the yellow goo. 'nuff said.

Anything made with Crisco. What the hell did people frost their cakes with before chemical companies started manufacturing trans-fat? If somebody gives me a piece of birthday cake frosted with Crisco, I look for a quick exit to the dumpster.

Mayonnaise from a jar. Some people consider mayo to be real food. The stuff in a jar reminds me of puss.

[Robin Garr]

I'm surprised they don't use racoon meat.

Armadillo. "Possum on the half-shell."

[Robin Garr]

I was flying back in the days that airlines served hot food in the main cabin. My entree - probably fish or chicken, with a piquant tomato-based sauce - had oddly crunchy capers. Or at least that would have made sense. The caterer must have mixed up dried green peppercorns for capers in the recipe. I had to pick out a lot of peppercorns from the sauce.

That would have been a very bad substitution.

However, are you positive they weren't fried capers, Bernie? We had a chef here who would quickly flash-fry capers and use them as a garnish on fish dishes, and the result was truly amazing. Crunchy on the outside, with a pungent shot of vinegary caper ready to burst out with every bite. He claimed it was his original idea, and maybe it was, but it wouldn't surprise me if other people thought of it.

[Jenise]

He claimed it was his original idea, and maybe it was, but it wouldn't surprise me if other people thought of it.

Somebody, somewhere, was the first person to do that, but I've had fried capers many times and somehow I don't think the first guy to think of it was in Louisville. Not to knock Louisville, but you know what I mean.

[Robin Garr]

Somebody, somewhere, was the first person to do that, but I've had fried capers many times and somehow I don't think the first guy to think of it was in Louisville. Not to knock Louisville, but you know what I mean.

No, I was trying to make that point, subtly. He claimed to have invented the idea. Anyway, point being, if Bernie was in any doubt, a single bite into one of the green bullets would have answered the question for certain.

Bernie's hypothesis does make sense, though. I actually bought a big jar of green peppercorns from a restaurant-supply store once, thinking that they were capers.

[Jenise]

The thread did not call for chef initiated substitutions.

Dale's referring to my opening salvo, which was exactly that kind. But thread drift's okay, sometimes what things turn into is more fun than what they started out being.

I challenge you to crunch down on a fried caper and a green peppercorn - blind taste test - and not tell the difference.

[Robin Garr]

I challenge you to crunch down on a fried caper and a green peppercorn - blind taste test - and not tell the difference.

That's why I asked you, Bernie. Your post didn't make clear whether you tasted the peppercorns; you merely described them as "oddly crunchy capers," which suggested that you weren't aware capers can be deep-fried.

Cow corn for sweet corn.

My bride would argue that point with you. She grew up on a dairy farm where her father grew corn for silage, and she loves the old-fashioned version. She says modern corn is nothing but agribusiness pandering to the national sweet tooth.

I believe-
Field corn is quite edible if you can put the water on to boil, walk a short distance to the field to pick it, hurry back, shuck it immediately and plunge it into the salted water. If you happen to drop an ear on the way you don't stop to pick it up. As soon as the old fashioned sweet corn and field corn were picked the sugars began to turn to starch. This was especially important with field corn because field corn has less sugars to begin with.
I believe it was the University of Illinois who created the first "extra sweet " variety called Illini Extra Sweet. This variety actually increased in sweetness after it was picked.

The big advantage and motivation was the increased shelf life of the ears. This was the motivation behind the development of the modern sweet corn. It makes it possible to provide in the early season sweet corn from Georgia to be sold in the stores and even a few stands before the local Minnesota corn is mature. I think the problem now is that they have taken the "attribute " to the extreme in the newest varieties.

Many years we grew 20 acres of sweet corn for Green Giant. They provided the seed. We grew the corn. They came out and tested it and according to those results and the inventory at the canning plant they would order it picked.

Corn syrup replacing pretty much anything!

Tofurkey..

I agree. This kind of stuff gives tofu a bad name.

Although Arjun is a great fellow (inside joke, folks!)

Mark Lipton

Many good nominations in this thread with which I agree. A few others to add are:

pilaf/pilau made with either the wrong type of rice or with turmeric in place of saffron

vodka martinis (not that I'm much of a mixed drinks fancier, but I am a purist when it comes to this one)

Mark Lipton

A few more...

Artificial sweeteners. Never, ever buy or eat anything with them. If you are on a diet, learn to lose your sweet tooth. If you are diabetic, figure out which fruit are OK. But skip the poison whose only role is to enable dependency on sweet flavors.

I generally agree, but I'd make a total exemption to the general rule for diabetics. Are you going to deny them the pleasure of soft drinks?

Anything made with Crisco. What the hell did people frost their cakes with before chemical companies started manufacturing trans-fat? If somebody gives me a piece of birthday cake frosted with Crisco, I look for a quick exit to the dumpster.

My mom used to use Crisco for frying. There are people out there who actually use it in place of butter or margarine for cake frosting? How totally gross.

Mayonnaise from a jar. Some people consider mayo to be real food. The stuff in a jar reminds me of pus.

While Hellman's in a jar is not as good as freshly made mayonnaise, I consider it reasonably OK. But Kraft Miracle Whip (even the USDA won't let them call it mayonnaise), or (gag!) "low-fat mayonnaise" is definitely beyond the pale, IMO.

-Paul W.

Yes, turmeric ain't saffron, and vice versa. They don't even color the dish the same shade of yellow.

And, with apologies to James Bond, a martini isn't a martini if it isn't made with gin. The concept of a vodka martini leaves me shaken, not stirred.

-Paul W.

Yes, turmeric ain't saffron, and vice versa. They don't even color the dish the same shade of yellow.

And, with apologies to James Bond, a martini isn't a martini if it isn't made with gin. The concept of a vodka martini leaves me shaken, not stirred.

-Paul W.

Thanks, I needed that!

[Jenise]

pilaf/pilau made with either the wrong type of rice or with turmeric in place of saffron

Mark Lipton

Good one--I actually had a "deconstructed paella" in a restaurant recently in which this substitution occurred. Cheezy.

I generally agree, but I'make a total exemption to the general rule for diabetics. Are you going to deny them the pleasure of soft drinks

Were I emperor I would deny everyone the "pleasure" of soft drinks. This is not to say I don't imbibe on occasion, but in my platonic world they would not exist. Aspartame or HFCS - a tough choice.

Corn syrup replacing pretty much anything!

Amen, and amen again!

Tofu hot dogs. The color and texture are so utterly fake that they destroy even the slightest pretense of "healthy alternative."

[Robin Garr]

Tofu hot dogs. The color and texture are so utterly fake that they destroy even the slightest pretense of "healthy alternative."

Such a shame, too, to abuse tofu in that way, when there are so many incredibly good East Asian recipes that treat it for what it is and take advantage of its subtlety, various textures, and ability to pick up flavors from other ingredients.