The Bad Substitutions Hall of Fame is now open

[Jenise]

I want to nominate the SouthSide Bistro in Anchorage, Alaska, for substituting baby spinach for basil leaves on a tomato caprese salad they served me about ten years ago. LIKE BEING SMALL AND GREEN IS CLOSE!

[Robin Garr]

Every "Greek" restaurant that substitutes pork or chicken for the traditional lamb in souvlaki!

Vegetable "burgers"! C'mon, Now.

[Jenise]

Wine margaritas.

Near Beer!

Cow corn for sweet corn.

Friends substituted zucchini for eggplant in a dish for our Middle Eastern night. Again, color match doesn't do it.

Wine margaritas.

That's a good one. I would even add Margarita's made from a sickeningly sweet mix vs. fresh limes.

Chicken Fingers.

[Robin Garr]

Chicken Fingers.

Are they made out of the same stuff as White Castle Chicken Rings? This report I put together a couple of years ago might amuse you ...

Chicken Rings appear to be pressed out of an industrial substance (no, not Soylent Green) that, in the era of deregulation, is actually permitted for human consumption. Allow me to quote from the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Food Safety and Inspection Service:

Mechanically Separated Poultry (MSP) is a paste-like and batter-like poultry product produced by forcing bones, with attached edible tissue, through a sieve or similar device under high pressure to separate bone from the edible tissue. Mechanically separated poultry has been used in poultry products since the late 1960s. In 1995, a final rule on mechanically separated poultry said it was safe and could be used without restrictions. However, it must be labeled as “mechanically separated chicken or turkey” in the product’s ingredients statement.

Aren’t you glad you know this?

I carefully shaved off the breading so I could examine one more closely under a strong magnifier, and it certainly does appear to be the output of some industrial process. It has a soft, mushy texture with no long fibers, almost like an organic, edible bite-size piece of particle board.

But OK, a hot, crispy ring does taste like fast-food fried chicken. There’s no use denying it. And like all such crunchy, salty things, I can eat a lot of ‘em. But somehow it all seems vaguely wrong and basically against nature.

[Jenise]

Krab sushi. It's so wrong.

[Robin Garr]

Krab sushi. It's so wrong.

Although I agree, I have to report that we saw plenty of it IN JAPAN when we were there in 1992.

[Robin Garr]

Cow corn for sweet corn.

My bride would argue that point with you. She grew up on a dairy farm where her father grew corn for silage, and she loves the old-fashioned version. She says modern corn is nothing but agribusiness pandering to the national sweet tooth.

Frisbos instead of french fries.

For those who have never encountered this abomination, Frisbos are made from instant mashed potatoes mixed with just enough water to give them coherency. The mixture is then extruded under pressure through a die--sort of like in a Play-Doh Fun Factory--into french fry shapes. These are then fried as one would traditional french fries or pommes frites.

The result is just as ghastly as it sounds. But it does mean that the food establishment doesn't have to muck about with perishable food items such as real potatoes.

-Paul W.

Vegetable "burgers"! C'mon, Now.

I think you took the top pick right out of my mouth!

If there's anything worse than foods that can be sinfully bad for you, it's trying to pretend those bad foods can still be the same by being health-ified...

Perhaps sodas/foods with HFCS in place of true sugar might count as a "bad substitution" pick. Then again, it's so standard now that I'm not sure many (myself previously included) really even think of HFCS as a substitute, but just a "normal" ingredient...

Baked chips in place of real (based on my limited experience with them).

Juices made of concentrate in place of pure fruit (I miss the real pulp)

On the same note, lemon FLAVORED Iced Teas in place of pure tea with an actual lemon wedge.

Drip coffee in place of espresso-based (but I think this is just personal taste, not a bad substitute, as I know many who love/prefer drip coffee).

These are kind of fun...

Jeff

[Jenise]

Vegetable "burgers"! C'mon, Now.

I think you took the top pick right out of my mouth!

Jeff

Any restaurants you wish to incriminate?

Lamb Osso Bucco

[David M. Bueker]

Reduced fat cheese

If there's anything worse than foods that can be sinfully bad for you, it's trying to pretend those bad foods can still be the same by being health-ified...

I'm not sure that's really the point behind veggie burgers. Well maybe for some people, but...

The way I see it, the concept of protein patties with a starchey-breadey surrounding and crunchy bright vegetable condiment plus wet sauce to bring it all together is pretty universal and can be found in all cultures. It's not really a question of healthy or not-healthy.

What goes in that patty varies from region to region. Americans have a lot of space for cows so they started making burgers. But combining pulses and vegetables into patties is probably older than the American hamburger, and without any particular health-marketing gimmick in mind. Whether or not that health marketing gimmick exists for some people is another story.

Reduced fat cheese

That is a sin indeed!

[David M. Bueker]

And another:

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

And another:

I Can't Believe It's Not Butter

Oh yes, that whole genre is really irritating!

Especially when people load up on the stuff and still think their health is being protected.

I guess it's a tradeoff between types of poisons. And if you have high cholesterol maybe that's a choice to make. So I shouldn't judge.

But still...

Vegetable "burgers"! C'mon, Now.

I think you took the top pick right out of my mouth!

Jeff

Any restaurants you wish to incriminate?

Who me? Surely not. I'm not even the incriminating type. Probably the very opposite. I'm a believer in restaurants serving whatever they wish. Even veggie burgers.

I've never even had a veggie burger at a restaurant actually. My brief experience with them and their purpose seem to be in homemade or, bewilderingly, in frozen forms.

Jeff

If there's anything worse than foods that can be sinfully bad for you, it's trying to pretend those bad foods can still be the same by being health-ified...

I'm not sure that's really the point behind veggie burgers. Well maybe for some people, but...

The way I see it, the concept of protein patties with a starchey-breadey surrounding and crunchy bright vegetable condiment plus wet sauce to bring it all together is pretty universal and can be found in all cultures. It's not really a question of healthy or not-healthy.

What goes in that patty varies from region to region. Americans have a lot of space for cows so they started making burgers. But combining pulses and vegetables into patties is probably older than the American hamburger, and without any particular health-marketing gimmick in mind. Whether or not that health marketing gimmick exists for some people is another story.

I'm sure you're correct. That's why I think most all these substitutes still just come down to personal taste really. Certainly no foods are bad as long as one genuinely likes it. I was, indeed, just reflecting on my own personal cynicism of veggie burgers based on the general purpose/way they're used here in the States (relative to hamburgers).

Jeff