How do men feel about being the primary cook in the family?

Over the time I have been sharing with WLDG, I've become aware of the many men that do all or most of the cooking in their family. In my family, the women did all the cooking and I grew up to know that it was my duty to cook for my man, keep him healthy, cook what he likes, and have dinner for him on time. Well, being the rebel that I am, and loving to cook, garden and eat, it was no problem for me to be the primary cook. Cooking what he likes and having dinner on time was the problem. Over the years we adjusted to each other, I changed his diet totally, and we eat when the food is ready. At first, it depended on the kids schedules, now that there are two of us, we eat anywhere from 6:30 to 7:30 pm.
So, I wonder how you guys, who cook for your families, wives, or persons you live with, and if you are the only primary cook, how do you like it and how do you accomplish that with having full time jobs.

Actually it depended more on work schedules. For several years, when the boys were young, I worked a rotating swing shift and my wife worked a few nights a week as a waitress. Then, later when I was able to land a steady day job, my wife would work evenings after she completed nursing school. So cooking was whoever happened to available to cook. We cherished the opportunity to have a decent meal together, sometimes with candles and no kids. But we did have our specialties: she was a great baker and I would cook meat.

I think that the traditional division of responsibilities was a creature of the times. To me it is a moot point as each of us brings particular talents to the multiple multiple needs of living. I am glad that I at least learned the basics of cooking and I am able to put things on the table that we can enjoy. As I get older it becomes a bit more difficult as I simply don't have the energy to spend hours on preparation. The good news is that each of us are trying to lose a few lbs that we picked up over the winter holiday season so we are cooking and eating in a very light mode.

One of the hardest parts of this is trying to have dinner ready at exactly 7pm when she gets home. I would much prefer to go on the basis that dinner is ready when dinner is ready and all I have to do is ring the big bell and yell... come and get it. Thank goodness for a warming drawer.

Tim

When one is a pro it's a no-brainer. I realize that most questions like this are not directed at those of my ilk (and several of you need to hold your tongues abut just what my ilk might be)but I have to jump in on occasion.

At my house, it depends on the meal.

I am the better cook of the two of us. If it's one of my dinners, then Jim does the prep -- as much as he can, which is sometimes all and sometimes none -- and I do the rest.

If it's one of his meals, I stay the hell out of the way. Jim is a peasant cook but he's ruthless when it's one of his dinners.

When one is a pro it's a no-brainer. I realize that most questions like this are not directed at those of my ilk (and several of you need to hold your tongues abut just what my ilk might be)but I have to jump in on occasion.

When one is a pro, it just might be helpful to those of us who are not of your "ilk" to speak up. I would think that you would be tired of cooking, preparing, chopping, serving, and planning...so spill your guts.

I only became the primary cook when I became the caregiver for Mom and Dad.
Dad had always been the traditional "male cook" -- grilling, making sure the eggs were dead for Sunday breakfast, making coffee and toast.
Mom was a good cook and I learned mostly from her. After I took over the main burden, Mom made desserts and consulted on menu choices for as long as she was able to see and remember.
Now Dad is gone and Mom is in a really wonderful assisted living home, and I'm my own primary cook.
Do you know, I set the table, set up the plate or plates with an eye to presentation, and sit down and eat without having a book or magazine at my side.
I like to cook - desserts too - and I really enjoy sitting down to a well-presented plate.
How do I feel about it? Well, it just happened - and when it did, I felt fine. Cooking is tricky enough to be challenging, and the rewards (and occasional BOOS!) are immediate. It's fun!

John

I guess my wife and I are relatively young (early 30s) so the gender role issue is not as big of a deal for us.

We've also both had relatively flexible schedules thus far (I'm an academic and she's an artist) so the timing and rush for meals has never been a huge issue. (Things may change in the future with a child).

Before we met she always considered herself a good cook (which she is), until she saw the level of obsession I have with food. So we quickly sorted ourselves into the more efficient roles, as I am happy to cook every night (it's also a form of meditation for me) and she does other stuff around the house.

But, she was not always as keen as I am on going to the farmer's markets/spending the same amount of money on food. I was just reminding her recently about a meal early in our relationship where she complained that she didn't want to waste her weekends going to the farmer's market and couldn't taste the difference in the farmer's market eggs anyway. Of course now she can. So that's good!!!

My wife never has really cooked. When I moved in with her her cleaning lady said that my wife never had used the stove. My wife ate many of her meals out. I was accustomed to doing some or all of the cooking in my previous marriages.

Having in my past been a food and beverage professional and someone who still loves to cook and create in the kitchen it was a no brainer.

I find that cooking is stimulating and relaxing at the same time. I am an excellent cook, my wife is not. We both prefer to eat well, so I am happy to indulge my hobby at dinner time.

She is also very accommodating to my schedule. If I get home late, we eat late. No problem.

If I can throw in my two cents worth on behalf of my other half, we tend to divide up the cooking. As a general thing, he cooks two nights a week, I cook two nights, we cook together on Saturdays and go out on Fridays and Sundays. He is the stir fry king; I do the slow-cooked casseroles, curries and soups. When he was working from home and I was working as a full time wage slave, he did most of the cooking, and enjoyed it ... and I sure enjoyed being cooked for.

My wife did not learn to cook until we met. It is probably accurate to state that she really did not care about food until we meet. So for the first couple of years I did all the cooking. Then came the decade of ovo-lacto. Being ovo-lacto in the early 1990's was not as easy as it is today and we both had to learn how to cook new things. This is when she started to cook a little as it now became something we shared instead of something I did. Today, we share the cooking. Since we both work, there is usually a call about an hour before we each leave work to decide what we want that night and if someone needs to stop for ingredients. Whoever gets home first starts prep and dinner is ready when its ready. I never had a problem with being the primary cook as I like to cook and often take on more elaborate meals on the weekend when time allows. However, I must admit it is nice not having to be the cook every night.

Men cook?!

Men cook?!

That kind of boy does, sure.

In all fairness to Gene I should have mentioned that he does grill, all meats, fish, fowl, veggies and fruits. However, I do wish he would come up with some meal plans, but I'm thankful that he will grill whatever I want all year long, even if it is pouring outside. I should say that his work area is under the patio roof, with vent hood over the top, and for summer heat, a ceiling fan moves the air for him to stay more comfortable.

Beverly and I were both taught to cook by our parents, and she took "Home Ec" in high school. Neither set of parents were particularly good though. Very shortly after getting married we were stationed in Europe (first France and then Germany). We were introduced to "good food" there, and also picked up the British copy of Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking complete with dessertspoons and measurments by weight. After returning to the states we were stationed in New York City (ROTC duty). We learned a lot more about food and cooking there.

It was only after getting books by Michael Field and James Beard that we really learned how to cook and not just follow recipes. These days I do most of the heavy lifting; meats, starches, and cooked veggies. She is the Sous Chef and Baker. We do change roles whenever it is appropriate. Like most of the other guys, the grill and smoker are strickly my domain.

I tend to fit in with the general consensus, in that both my husband and I cook. However, I tend to do most of the cooking as I get home after work sooner than him. We have our specialties: I am awesome with soups, stews, and roasting anything in the oven; he is a great baker.

I'm also morbidly afraid of propane tanks, so he does most of the grilling (though I have no problem doing this once the barbecue is already on!)

I come from a family where mom did most of the cooking when the kids were young, but - bless her soul - she was rather terrible at it. She just never liked cooking and never cared to learn. When she went back to work, dad took over and meals improved drastically. He always loved cooking, and he's always watching Food Network to learn new tips and tricks and recipes.

I think it boils down to the fact that it's the 21st century, and the kitchen is no longer a gendered space. Or at least it shouldn't be.

Karen, Hi....

Relating entirely to the original question, that is to say: "How do men feel about being the primary cook in the family?", I suppose a great deal relies on the structure of the family in question, those in more traditional gender-oriented families resisting such a trend and those in non-gender oriented families embracing. In a phrase, the more egalitarian and the less role-conscious the famiy, the more open it will be to adapting to various household activities.

In an interesting manner I would hypothesize that same-sex couples give us an interesting insight into this question - each couple adapting to the roles they feel most suited to their desires and abilities and perceiving most of the activities involved in everyday living as non-sex/non-gender oriented.

Best
Rogov

Honestly it's easy for me. I fell into a love of cooking as a result of spending ~ 3 years in hotels during the week (and hence not cooking). After that length of time, finally having some time at home, I discovered what I'd missed and that cooking can be a fun and even relaxing challenge. I wish I had a bit more training, but I have a willing guinea-pig whose own fears of the kitchen make her a very willing diner on my food.

Indeed I'd say it's much harder for her as there are still remants of opinion that a woman MUST be able to cook, and inability to do so competently reflects badly on her. She shouldn't buy into those attitudes, but occasionally does. Indeed she's actually pretty handy, but finds it very stressful.

Still, if there is any DIY to be done, she's more than happy to get the power tools out and give it a go, whereas in that field I'm more than happy to let someone else take on a job I'd not be remotely competent at.

For us it's a case of split the work by the skill, not the stereotype

regards

Ian

[David M. Bueker]

I'm the cook. I love being the cook. I hate my kitchen, but I love being the cook.

I hate my kitchen

True for all of us these days after seeing the photos of Jenise's wonder kitchen

We had "...and he cooks" written into our wedding vows. (Actually, it was something along the lines of "...'til death or she picks up a spatula, whichever comes first, do you part.")

I don't mind though, since a sated woman is a pliable woman. Additionally, in return she promised to mow the lawn in summer and shovel the snow in winter. And bless her tousled red hair, she's kept her word for 9 years now. I haven't lifted a finger. Only a whisk.

Personally, I think I got the better end of the deal.

I couldn't tell you how I became the main cook of our family, especially since my mother did not have a lot of interest in
food (severely roasted chicken seasoned solely with a little salt, pepper from a box, and nothing else, anyone?) and my father
has not cooked a vegetable in his life. However, I am the cook for my wife and our toddler, and if I work late and dinner
isn't ready on time, I get the look. That time, in case you were wondering, is almost exactly twelve hours after we get up. A
"late" dinner is twelve and a half. I also do the grilling, but since I do the rest of the cooking that's not out of keeping.
I am thinking about setting some meals aside in advance of my absence for five days next month.

I guess all that New Age stuff about sharing responsibilities equally has taken root. Around here, we allocate based on who
likes/hates to do the chore. She likes to bake, so that is her domain.

[David M. Bueker]

I hate my kitchen

True for all of us these days after seeing the photos of Jenise's wonder kitchen

But the process she went through to get it scares the shit out of me.