Spousal incompatibility with some foods you love?

[Jenise]

Carrie brought this up in her Manila clams thread...it seems most of us cooks love a particular food that our spouse can't or won't eat and we have to resort to various other means to enjoy it. Such as, prepare it when they're not home, or get it when we go out, or maybe sometimes it's something we can sneak when they're not looking.

Number One on my list (and I'm not even sure there's a #2) would be linguine vongole: Bob has a deadly allergy to clams (and mussels), and I crave this dish. I can hardly go into an Italian restaurant without ordering it, and in fact the last time I ordered it, it wasn't even on the menu. But a bowl of manila steamers was an appetizer and elsewhere there was pasta, so I asked my waiter to have the chef make me a large bowl of pasta tossed with a not-shy amount of finely minced garlic, parsley and olive oil, and separately bring the clam appetizer. That brought the chef out of the kitchen to find out what in the heck I was up to, and when I explained my plan to marry the two dishes at table, he went ahead and made a version of the dish for me so it came out assembled. And it was one big glorious, steaming, briny dish of loveliness enhanced by a perfect gremolata, so incredibly aromatic that the mere bringing of it to my table had other diners asking for it and by the time we left the restaurant, it had morphed into a very successful nightly special.

What dish or dishes do you have to resort to unusual means to get?

(Jenise, you know what my contribution is going to be.)

There are many things Jim does not eat. Sometimes, when he is served them -- asparagus, green beans, artichokes, all berries -- they just migrate over to my plate. He does not mind if I have them in the house and prepare them for myself. There are blueberries in the fridge right now.

BUT

He doesn't eat onions unless they are "cooked to death", i.e., completely limp, as in onion soup. Since I can't guarantee that condition I can't use them at all. And, unlike the other foods, he doesn't like having them in the house. I have become quite good at using garlic or fennel in its place but, as you might guess, it isn't really the same.

I can occasionally get an onion fix -- bagel and lox with! -- but, overall, I'm just eating a lot less onion than most of you.

[Robin Garr]

Mary and I have blissfully similar tastes, and we're both adventurous, so this is rarely a problem for us. The only difference is that I love shellfish and she does not. Over the years I've successfully introduced her to oysters, which she now loves, even raw on the halfshell. But she doesn't like crab much ("too sweet," she says), will not eat lobster because she disapproves of the way we have to kill the cute little creature in order to enjoy it at its best; and refuses shrimp because of an unfortunate youthful experience. She dislikes shrimp for similar reasons as many of us fear tequila.

Anyway, that's about it, and she really doesn't mind me eating shrimp, but I'm not really comfortable making something we can't both enjoy, so I'll limit shrimp dishes to something with a sauce that's enjoyable even when she picks around the shrimpy bits. Shrimp Cantonese is perfect because it also includes chopped pork, and she just loves the sauce. Some Italian-style shrimp and pasta dishes will work, too, and risotto pescatore made with fish, shrimp, clams, squid and shrimp is great because she'll eat everything but the shrimp.

Still, we're lucky that we can happily share just about everything.

Well my True Love recently went through a battery of food allergy tests, and guess what came out ontop? Milk!!!!!!! We tried goatmilk, and it didn't work either. So now she is on almond milk. The more fat the more she can stand it so I can still use butter in things and even heavy cream. Obviously we can use a lot of these in things. She seems to be able to handle sheep cheese, so we use it in various things, but again not a lot. Still feeling our way around with these restrictions.

[Robin Garr]

Milk!!!!!!!

Funny you mention that. I forgot to mention in my post that Mary will not drink milk, either. This is not due to allergy but stems from her youth growing up on a dairy farm. She says she knows too much about where milk has been. She's fine with ice cream, whipped cream, cheese, creme fraiche, sour cream, yogurt and all other dairy products, though, including milk as an ingredient in cooking; and I've long thought of milk as a drink for children, so this isn't really responsive to Jenise's question about spousal incompatibility.

Like Robin and Mary, we fortunately have pretty similar likes and dislikes in the grand scheme of things. The tricky part comes in with spices and sauces. I like almost all of them and Len likes almost none of them, unless you count meat gravy and marinara sauce. Neither does he like risotto ("mushy rice") or ANYTHING with cream, so that leaves out some really good stuff!!!

When cooking at home for just the two of us, I usually cater to his tastes. Hey, it's usually healthier anyway. However, when entertaining, I usually sneak in one or two dishes that he doesn't eat, knowing there will be plenty of other stuff for him. That way, our guests (and I) can enjoy something I rarely make.

Regarding the spices, it's mainly just the middle eastern and thai spices he doesn't like--curry, cardomom, allspice, lemongrass, etc. so I can do without those at home and will sometimes suggest a girls' night out to an ethnic restaurant so I can enjoy without him. The exception is curry. I LOVE curried chicken salad so will actually make two separate chicken salads for us when I'm making it. A "his" and a "hers."

Alice can't eat hot foods. I have to curtail my instincts in a lot of Asian, Creole, Mexican, and, of course barbecue dishes I do. I have bottles of Cholula, Tapatio, Tabasco and Dave's Insanity standing by for me. But, some dishes I really hate to tamper with, my dry rub for instance.

Well my True Love recently went through a battery of food allergy tests, and guess what came out ontop? Milk!!!!!!! We tried goatmilk, and it didn't work either. So now she is on almond milk. The more fat the more she can stand it so I can still use butter in things and even heavy cream. Obviously we can use a lot of these in things. She seems to be able to handle sheep cheese, so we use it in various things, but again not a lot. Still feeling our way around with these restrictions.

I was just chatting with the "cheese guy" at my local upscale market. I learned that people who are lactose intolerant do not seem to have a problem with cheeses aged over a year!

No real incompatibilities here as in food allergies or intolerances but just some differences in preference which do impact how I cook. Unfortunately I opt for what is really liked rather than try to introduce and woo with the less well liked. I just do not get the same pleasure in preparation and eating if I know he might not like it as much as I so I don't cook those things...the only thing that comes to mind right now is barley......I love the stuff for breakfast....he would never touch it for breakfast and tolerates it in soup but is not thrilled.

Eggplant is the food Gene has learned to tolerate. I make a meatball which has eggplant and fresh sweet basil, and I'm not sure he knows eggplant is in there....he likes them. Another dish is browned eggplant topped with marinara, basil and mozzarella cheese then broiled, that he also likes. Anything else he has disliked so I stick to those two. His mother cooked meat and potatoes for his dad, no experimentation, everything cooked the same as always was the way he wanted it. After marriage, I widened Gene's food horizon with more fruits, veggies and salads. So, in the food department we are nicely compatible.

Husband #1 (the political firebrand) hated tomatoes with a passion, and disliked any green vegetables. Complained constantly about the smell, the appearance, the texture - mostly, he refused to eat any green vegetables either cooked or in salad, and threw a fit if he even saw a tomato. Needless to say his diet was a bit odd, and I cooked separately when I wanted to eat any of these things. I cooked separately a lot, and did without tomatoes in all sorts of things I cooked for the two of us.

Husband #2 (the gregarious Scottish husband) loved tomatoes, and would have eaten them at every meal and in between as well. It's a wonder he didn't turn into a tomato. But he hated fish and all other seafood. Couldn't bear the smell of any of it. He used to tell people he was allergic to it rather than have to go into the details. We never had fish at home. I used to eat whiting sometimes when we ate out; the delicate flavour and aroma meant he could put up with at least being in the same room. I am sure my inability to cook fish well stems from years of not cooking it at all.

The Francophile is a joy to share a kitchen and dining room with. He eats just about everything. Doesn't like fiery curries and chilli ... but that's fine, the mild-to-medium, aromatic dishes suit me fine, and when his son and son in law come round for an Indian take-away they always order the flame-thrower vindaloo, so I can get my fix. Our biggest incompatibility when we met was that I loved red wine and he couldn't stand it. I have been working on that for some years now and he now enjoys good quality reds. ("What's this called? Dead Arm? Funny name." Cautious sip. "H'mmm... yes, I can drink this.") It's been good for me, too, because it helped me to develop a keener appreciation of good white wines.

Any part of the lemon (zest, juice, slices), celery, green peppers, and cilantro. I can use red pepper in place of green so that is not a major problem. Only recently have I started getting away with lime juice in place of lemon juice and orange zest/slices in place of lemon. There is no alternative for celery or cilantro and it does not come into the house.

OMG...so many! Luckily, we have grown to like some similar foods over the years, and also, my husband is usually not home during the week, so I have plenty of time to cook for myself I will eat just about anything except bell peppers and mussels(I'm allergic). I am not a huge fan of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, sausages, shepard's pie, but will of course eat them.

My husband on the other hand hates pickles (or anything pickled), salad or salad dressing or mayonaise, spinach, clams, scallops, ricotta cheese (so no lasagne, stuffed shells, cheese ravioli, etc.), cilantro, lemon grass, avocado, mexican food (in general), Thai food (in general). He doesn't like the texture of cooked onions, peppers, celery, and mushrooms, but doesn't mind the taste. He doesn't like bread pudding, cheesecake, whipped cream (although he'll eat "runny" cream) and despises cherries of any kind (who hates cherries?). He is allergic to all raw treefruit and strawberries (so no apples and brie sandwiches here), and is not keen on watermelon and berries. As far as cheese goes, who won't eat blue cheese or goats cheese but will eat all others. He does not like cooked or canned tuna, but will eat sadines on toast (huh?). He will not eat zucchini, squash, sweet potatoes, collard greens (or any stewed green), or eggplant. He doesn't like black beans, navy beans, kidney beans, chick peas...in fact, come to think of it, the only beans he'll eat are baked beans and string beans. Don't think about serving cous cous, farro, barley, or quinoa. Thanksgiving is a nightmare since he doesn't care for Turkey and won't eat stuffing/gravy, cranberry sauce, and brown gravy. He is not big on anything peanut butter and is allergic to some treenuts, so they are out too. Raisins - no, granola - no, graham crackers - no, cinnamon rolls - no, French Toast - no. BBQ or picnic? not the cole slaw, potato salad or pasta salad, and forget about anything turkey or tofu...LOL. I am sure there are many, many other things, but those are just the ones that come to mind right now.

Luckily, he now LOVES sushi (didn't like it when we first met) and also really enjoys pasta. He also likes spicy food too. So that opens up and lot of things we can eat together. Like Jenise, I usually will make myself steamed clams or linguini with clam sauce when Chris isn't here. And I always order scallops out if they are on the menu...YUM!

[David M. Bueker]

The list of foods my wife will not eat is shorter than it was, but still quite long. The main issue is fish. She hates virtually all fish. So just about weekly I throw a piece on the grill (Alaskan Sockeye for tonight) and have it just for me. Shrimp is another no-no, but I just get those at restaurants rather than trying to mask the smell of scampi sauteeing in the kitchen.

She does love crab and lobster, so things are not too bad. She detests cilantro, but that's not unusual, and I don't particularly care for it. Bell peppers are verboten, but that's not a huge issue as I hate the green ones.

The fish thing is a problem though.

As with David's situation, our biggest area of incompatibility is in the fish department. I really like fresh tuna and would eat wild salmon at least once in a while, but she doesn't like either of these. I'd also cook vegetarian meals on a regular basis if it weren't for the fact that she has to have meat of some kind at every meal (or it doesn't qualify as a meal). Generally, though, we're pretty much in sync in our food preferences.

Not about can't, more about don't want to.

My wife has always been opposed to "Bambi Food", so she can't stand the idea of eating Thumper...which I love. She won't eat veal either, and doesn't like lamb.

All this was no problem, since I could order it when out with nothing but a little facial posturing and light chaffing, which didn't bother or deflect me.

But now, she has taken to an aversion for beef as well---she maintains that she is having difficulty digesting beef easily, and so she avoids it for the most part.

Which means now beef doesn't find itself in our house menus very much. I don't miss it so much as it lessens the variety and diversity of foods we can have on a regular basis.

Thankfully, no problems with shellfish. But there's waaaaaaay to much chicken in our diet for my tastes (especially when none of it is fried---I'm atavistic that way).

My wife will not eat anything with a central nervous system and/or cerebellum more developed than a fish. That is to say, all vegetables, all fish and seafood are fine. Me, on the other hand I'll eat just about anything that walks, climbs, creeps, flies or crawls.

No problem though as she has no problem at all with my satisfying my carnivorous lusts either our or at home. The only accomodation that has to be made is when I cook meet for myself and/or company, there must also be matcing fish or seafood dishes. Adds pleasure to the cooking. Aside from which, I have a rule - I will never cook anything that I will not enjoy.

Now when it comes to agreeing/disagreeing on the bank account - believe me, there we have disagreements. Fortunately, as much as we will disagree we generally wind up laughing.

Best
Rogov

This has always been a major problem for us due to the fact that my wife is a vegetarian. For years I have always had
to make in effect two dinners. Finding items that we can both share is a continual effort. She never objects to what
I eat and none of it seems to bother her. Perhaps due to my getting older I find that I am now moving more to her side of the fence. That is why I made the post about the veggie burger I found that she liked. I had one also and thought it
was not bad. Despite it's humble status it was one more food item that we could share. The only change I would make to it next time is to make a honey jalapeno sauce instead of the mayo.

Only on occasion will she eat a small amount of lobster or fried shrimp. I buy breaded shrimp and clam strips by the case and keep it in the freezers to make a base so I can make a fisherman's platter whenever I want. Still have to buy a red and white checkered table cloth and plastic baskets to complete the Sandra's Tablescape scenario.

So in response to the poll question there is nothing really that I cannot make that would be a problem. It is more of
a question of time and energy in preparation than anything else.

She will never turn down a green leaf type of salad. I have made so many of these over the years that I no longer can eat one myself not even a Caesar salad which she says mine is the best she has ever had. It is the constant grind of trying to find different vegetarian dishes for her. However, we have come up with a temporary solution which I will not go into which is working quite well.

Tim

Oh, Jenise, thank you so much for starting this thread. After reading about the hoops that other people jump through... I feel so much better about mine! (I even left out a few things but I can see they matter not.)

(who hates cherries?).

I agree!!!!

But you must have found something to love in this guy.

To what do you attribuite his long and idiosyncratic list of food dislikes? I guess his parents let him eat an extremely limited range of food while growing up?

He doesn't eat onions unless they are "cooked to death", i.e., completely limp, as in onion soup. Since I can't guarantee that condition I can't use them at all. And, unlike the other foods, he doesn't like having them in the house. I have become quite good at using garlic or fennel in its place but, as you might guess, it isn't really the same..

Well at least you can use garlic instead of onions!

And I agree that hearing about all the other issues from other people places ones own limitations in perspective. Like me, my wife does not eat meat but eats seafood, dairy, eggs, and loves fruits and vegetables, so in that sense we're pretty compatible.

But she's from Northern Germany and her whole family considers onion and garlic to be strong spices/flavors. Which perhaps they are. But I have a strong love of these things and would previously use what she considers to be massive portions of each when cooking my usual meals. So those 'aromatics' have both been toned down when cooking for her. The worst was during her first trimester of pregnancy when she had morning sickness and couldn't tolerate any garlic or onions even coming out of my pores (i.e. if I had eaten them outside the house while dining with friends). That was tough!!!

Well at least you can use garlic instead of onions!

His family is Italian on one side and dyed-in-the-wool New England on the other. So, he likes plain starchy fish-based food... and zippy red sauce with porky sausage.

The worst was during her first trimester of pregnancy when she had morning sickness and couldn't tolerate any garlic or onions even coming out of my pores (i.e. if I had eaten them outside the house while dining with friends). That was tough!!!

Yikes. That is tricky.

His family is Italian on one side and dyed-in-the-wool New England on the other. So, he likes plain starchy fish-based food... and zippy red sauce with porky sausage.

Nice combination!

The worst was during her first trimester of pregnancy when she had morning sickness and couldn't tolerate any garlic or onions even coming out of my pores (i.e. if I had eaten them outside the house while dining with friends). That was tough!!!

Yikes. That is tricky.

Tricky indeed. She also couldn't tolerate the smell of alcohol through my pores. Which is not very compatible with a wine hobby. It was a long trimester for me, but of course all things considered I can't say that I've had it rough. As she reminds me!

Until I read this topic I did not realize how lucky I was. April does not like swordfish/shark, raw oysters, clams, artisan
tofu (ironically, the commercial stuff is mild enough for her to enjoy), foie gras, most oil-based sauces for pasta, truffle
oil, strong fish sauce, bitter melon, any steak less tender than ribeye, organ meats beside liver, ***** cheese (e.g.
E'poisses), or all-mushroom dishes. When I think about it that way, it's a pretty long list, and one that includes many of my
most favorite foods. However, my cooking is rarely restrained by having to please her, so henceforth I count myself lucky.

Walt