The evils of chardonnay

[Jenise]

From CNN: A Florida woman was found guilty of second-degree murder Friday after authorities said she zipped her boyfriend up in a suitcase back in 2020.

Sarah Boone, now 47, told authorities her boyfriend got trapped in a suitcase and died during a game of hide-and-seek, court records show. The Florida couple had been drinking chardonnay and doing puzzles in their Winter Park apartment.

They thought “it would be funny” to hop in a suitcase as a part of the game, according to an arrest affidavit from the Orange County Sheriff’s Office.

[David M. Bueker]

Gives me some ideas.

IANAL, but there are certain Chardonnays the selection and consumption of which constitutes prima facie evidence of depraved indifference to human life.

[Jenise]

Patchen, I agree. One of those would be one called Coco-Bon which used to be available and maybe still is at Trader Joe's. It resembles a Coppertone sun product more than it does a wine. DNPIM!

Oh, you’re really not kidding. It’s apparently called “Roasted Oak Chardonnay,” and is aged in “espresso-toasted barrels.” (I think the Coppertone product in question must be what they used to call “tanning butter” rather than sunscreen!)

[Jenise]

It was awful--deliberately, not flawed--such that three years after gagging through that one glass (not mine, I had to be polite) I still remember it as the worst wine I may have ever had. My brother and his husband brought it with them when they moved up from San Francisco. That very bottle and my reaction to it made them aware of just how low their standards had sunk during what was essentially an austerity phase of low-priced wine drinking. It's a running joke between us now.

Whoa. I understand Whiskey barrels, but espresso barrels? I guess they mean burnt (though good espresso isn't). That would drive me to kill

A wine aficionado friend of mine says "oak should be a seasoning, not a sauce".

There is a brand out there called Butter Chardonnay made by the aptly named JaM Cellars (JaM being "J. and M." after the owners). I detest buttery chardonnay and have avoided this wine.

The two very worst wines I've ever had were released in the mid-1980s. Tepusquet Vineyards is a well-regarded grower. They decided to make their own cabernet sauvignon. It was a total disaster. Robert Parker called it "the vinous equivalent of Liquid Plumr" and scored it 52 points. I agree fully with that assessment. I've always wanted to ask Parker what he awarded the two points for. I suppose it's because, however foul it was, it wasn't actually poisonous. The second worst wine I've ever had was Chateau St. Jean's first attempt at sparkling wine. They had problems with plummeting acidity levels in the grapes and were forced to harvest them way too early. The result smelled and tasted of overcooked asparagus and Brussels sprouts. I was shocked that they released it.

-Paul W.