Zork closure

She's a witch! She's a witch! (please, can't we end this with the Monty Python references?)

OK.

Howza 'bout this one:

Monty Python's Argument Clinic

The Cast (in order of appearance.)
· M= Man looking for an argument
· R= Receptionist
· Q= Abuser
· A= Arguer
· C= Complainer
· H= Head Hitter

M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Pause
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.
(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!!
(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
Pause
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right. (pays money)
A: Thank you.
short pause
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up. (Walks down the stairs. Opens door.)
M: I want to complain.
C: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M: No, I want to complain about...
C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M: Oh!
C: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office.
M: (Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.)
M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh!
H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M: uuuwwhh!!
H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there.
M: No.
H: Now..
M: Waaaaah!!!
H: Good, Good! That's it.
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: What?
M: Stop hitting me!!
H: Stop hitting you?
M: Yes!
H: Why did you come in here then?
M: I wanted to complain.
H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M: What a stupid concept.

"I just don't much care for the screw cap."

Got it.

Thanks and regards, Bob

And the circle stands complete.

We now return you to BBC 4: Book at Bedtime, by Mr. N. B. Gumby.

[James Roscoe]

That's all folks!

[David M. Bueker]

Again, the issue here is that an unfortunate assumption being made. That assumption is, moderate income folks don't lay down their wines or are assumed to open immediately all wine they buy. That simply is not true.

And your point is completely wrong. Many near-term wines have screw cap and many have cork. There's no assumption about wine buyers being made.

Change (even necessary change...witness USA politics) is slow. Screw caps were never going to take over in a blink of an eye. But they are increasing in accpetance and usage.

There's nothing more to it.

You are free to dislike screw caps. That's fine. But please do not assign clever motivations to their use.

Thanks for the argument skit -- I'd forgotten that one, Tim. Good chuckles.

In return, you might enjoy this little story about Miss Piggy's encounter with a screwcap -- worth a laugh or two, even if not the height of aestetic wine enjoyment:

Miss Piggy:

The Scene: Kermit and Miss Piggy have a romantic table in a somewhat less than fine restaurant. A bottle of wine is chilling in a bucket on the table.
Kermit: Oh waiter! Waiter!
Waiter (played by Steve Martin): What? What do you want?
Kermit: You may serve us the wine now.
Waiter [sarcastically]: Oh, may I?
Waiter presents the wine to Kermit and Miss Piggy with a flourish.
Miss Piggy: Oooh Kermie, you got Champagne!
Waiter [inspecting the label]; Not exactly. It's sparkling Muscatel. One of the finest wines of Idaho.
Waiter screws off the bottle cap.
Waiter: Would you like to smell the ... bottle cap?
Kermit sniffs and nods. Waiter fills one of the glasses.
Waiter: Do you want to taste the wine first?
Miss Piggy [whispering to Kermit]: I think you are supposed to let him do it.
Kermit: Would you taste it for us.
Waiter gets shocked look on his face. He resignedly takes a sip,
squinches up his face and quickly spins around to spit out the wine.
Waiter: Excellent choice!
Waiter tops off the glass and fills the other.
Miss Piggy: May we have two straws please?
Waiter: Of course...I expected that.
Waiter produces two straws from his vest.
Kermit: That will be all.
Waiter [bowing many times]: Oh, thank you. Thank you.

The Muppet Movie(1979): Described by Steve Harding with help from his two year old.

Thanks, Bob...I needed the laugh

That sketch also reminds me of the restaurant scene in The Meaning of Life with the snooty waiter and the guy who eats everything on the menu.

It's gross, but hilarious!


"A wafer-thin mint, Monsieur?

Thanks, Bob...I needed the laugh

That sketch also reminds me of the restaurant scene in The Meaning of Life with the snooty waiter and the guy who eats everything on the menu.

It's gross, but hilarious!


"A wafer-thin mint, Monsieur?

Here's a q for all: what wine, what vintage and how many bottles did he order in the same scene?

Another great scene, Otto. I'll leave the answer for others to discover.

Hilarious -- but as you say gross. Loved it, especially the John Thomas ditty at the get go.

Regards, Bob

Thanks, Bob...I needed the laugh

That sketch also reminds me of the restaurant scene in The Meaning of Life with the snooty waiter and the guy who eats everything on the menu.

It's gross, but hilarious!


"A wafer-thin mint, Monsieur?

Here's a q for all: what wine, what vintage and how many bottles did he order in the same scene?

Good question...but I have no idea.

Here's a q for all: what wine, what vintage and how many bottles did he order in the same scene?

I remembered it as "A coupla cases of Chateau Latour 1945"
but perhaps there was a quantity specified...
cheers,
Graeme

"Perhaps monsieur overdid it last night?"

If I recall correctly, the wine order was two cases of Chateau Lafite 1945 and a doble Jeroboam of Champagne.

"And don't skimp on the pate!" [Just because he's ordering everything on the menu]

The best line is Mr. Creosote's response when the waiter first offers him the "wafer-thin mint": "F*ck off, I'm full!"

It was a devastating parody of a meal at a French Michelin 3-star restaurant. On my first visit to one, this sketch immediately came to mind.

Terry Jones, the Python who played the grotesquely obese Mr. Creosote, said that it took three days to finish shooting that sketch, and by the third day the vegetable soup that they were using for the vomit was starting to go off, and a lot of the retching and grimacing you see in the final cut was for real, and didn't require much acting.

From the same movie ("Monty Python's The Meaning of Life"), I also like the scene where everyone at a yuppie party dies from contaminated salmon mousse. As the Grim Reaper is leading them all off, we hear a plaintive voice say, "Hold on--I didn't have any of the salmon mousse!"

-Paul W.

[James Roscoe]

One assumes the wines were all closed with TCA tainted corks. Please, let's reserrect this thread. I need to have some fun back in my life.

Sure hope we aren't on this same thread 300 years from now bemoaning the screw cap and it's inherent manufacturing defects.

I'd be thrilled to be on this board 300 years from now, still able to discuss this or any topic, and enjoy a nice glass of wine!

"Perhaps monsieur overdid it last night?"

If I recall correctly, the wine order was two cases of Chateau Lafite 1945 and a doble Jeroboam of Champagne.

"And don't skimp on the pate!" [Just because he's ordering everything on the menu]

The best line is Mr. Creosote's response when the waiter first offers him the "wafer-thin mint": "F*ck off, I'm full!"

It was a devastating parody of a meal at a French Michelin 3-star restaurant. On my first visit to one, this sketch immediately came to mind.

Terry Jones, the Python who played the grotesquely obese Mr. Creosote, said that it took three days to finish shooting that sketch, and by the third day the vegetable soup that they were using for the vomit was starting to go off, and a lot of the retching and grimacing you see in the final cut was for real, and didn't require much acting.

From the same movie ("Monty Python's The Meaning of Life"), I also like the scene where everyone at a yuppie party dies from contaminated salmon mousse. As the Grim Reaper is leading them all off, we hear a plaintive voice say, "Hold on--I didn't have any of the salmon mousse!"

-Paul W.

Almost Paul! It's six bottles of Latour 45 (not two cases) and a double jeroboam of Champagne. A disgusting scene with all the puking.

I don't like Sancerre either. And I have had the good ones. Give me Savennieres any day.

And I prefer Grüner Veltliner.

What has a chenin wine to do in a discussion about the virtues or non-virtues of sauvignon blanc? Or was there a joke I didnt get? In that case I'd apologize.

Oh yeah, there's another article about Austrian producers switching to screwcaps and glass stopper right here:

http://www.austrian.wine.co.at/frischge ... 200501.htm

Double disclaimer: 1) it's in German; 2) I am the author.

Michael,

This 200+ post thread has tended to meander a bit. During one meander a comment was made about "making fun" of other people's likes and dislikes. I jokingly said that I reserved the right to make fun of anyone who liked Sancerre. I think that David was responding to something in that sub-thread.

It's hard to keep a ten reply thread on topic, let alone a 200+ reply thread.

Sorry, Sam, if I misunderstood something. I apologize, English not being my mother language.

It's hard to keep a ten reply thread on topic, let alone a 200+ reply thread.

%^)

Did we ever decide whether the Zork closure had any future with longer term wine storage ?

Clink !

%^)

I thought it was, " F*ck off, I'm stuffed!"?

Anyway, great scene... Hilarious

[David M. Bueker]

I don't like Sancerre either. And I have had the good ones. Give me Savennieres any day.

And I prefer Grüner Veltliner.

What has a chenin wine to do in a discussion about the virtues or non-virtues of sauvignon blanc? Or was there a joke I didnt get? In that case I'd apologize.

They are both Loire wines (Sancerre and Savennieres).

If I am looking for a Sauvignon replacement I DO look to Gruner. In fact I do that a lot.

One assumes the wines were all closed with TCA tainted corks. Please, let's reserrect this thread. I need to have some fun back in my life.

Can do!



Maitre D: Ah good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?

Mr Creosote: Better...

Maitre D: Better?

Mr Creosote: Better get a bucket, I'm going to throw up.

[Later in the sketch]

Maitre D: And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.

Mr Creosote: No.

Maitre D: Oh sir! It's only a tiny little thin one.

Mr Creosote: No. I'm full... [Belches]

Maitre D: Oh sir... it's only wafer thin.

Mr Creosote: Look - I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. Bugger off.

Maitre D: Oh sir, just... just one...

Mr Creosote: Oh all right. Just one.

Maitre D: Just the one, sir... voila... bon appetit...

[Mr Creosote somehow manages to stuff the wafer-thin mint into his mouth and then swallows. The Maitre D takes a flying leap and cowers behind some potted plants. There is an ominous splitting sound. Mr Creosote looks rather helpless and then he explodes, covering waiters, diners, and technicians in a truly horrendous mix of half digested food, entrails and parts of his body. People start vomiting.]

Maitre D: [returns to Mr Creosote's table] Thank you, sir, and now the check.

[James Roscoe]

Thank you Tim. I knew I could count on you.

Thank you Tim. I knew I could count on you.

No charge.

Now then....a wafer thin mint, Monsieur?