Sabering Champagne: get over it already

You can't call this a rant. It's really not worthy of a full blown rant. So call it a peeve.

This whole thing about sabering champagne bottles is ridiculous. A couple of people doing it, yeah sure, I can understand that. But it has totally gotten out of hand. Dweebs can buy a kit now, for godsake, so they can saber. BFD.

First, it's not that hard to do. Anything you can learn competently within about a fifteen second YoutTube video isn't that impressive a feat, guys. (And yes, it's mostly guys, I know.)

Second, but significantly more important: it doesn't serve any purpose. Except to show off---but anyone who shows off by sabering a champagne bottle more than once is ridiculous anyway (I'll give you once. Once is interest. Once is "neat, I wanna do that. It looks cool." But not more than once, sorry; then you are a dweeb who's running around ruining perfectly good champagne bottles. Go do something constructive like getting your commemorative anniversary StarTrek Footie Pajamas dry cleaned or something.) You're boasting about doing something that's simple to do, but more easily done without a damned saber, chuckles.

Third, even though it's simple, it's still easy to screw it up. Like the dweeb who came to my house one time trying to show off and requested we all tramp out to the backyard so he could impress everyone by sabering a champagne bottle. Oooooooooh! Only he sabered the top of the bottle into the deep part of my swimming pool, thank you very much. And it wasn't his bottle of champagne (ever notice how it's usually someone else's bottle they volunteer to saber?)

Fourth, it's a waste of perfectly good champagne. Haven't seen a saber boy yet that didn't waste quite a bit of the bubbly when he was hacking off the top of the bottle. Why? The axiom should be that if it's worth drinking, don't waste it by chopping at it with a sword.

Fifth, IT's NOT A GODDAM SABER ANYWAY! It may look shiny and impressive to you, dweeb, to handle a cool saber sword (and you probably have a cool "keepsake-but don't call it a toy" Star Wars Light Saber, probably with Darth Vader on it, but here's a message: that's not a real lightsaber either. Sorry.) but it's not a real saber. It's a stamped piece of metal that looks vaguely like a saber (actually, it looks closer to a machete than a saber, but it doesn't sound cool to say "watch me mahchete a bottle of champagne!!!") and it doesn't have a sharp blade. It doesn't even have a blade, much less a sharp one. You'd probably hurt yourself or hack off someone's arm if it did have a blade, so be grateful. But it's not a saber. (It actually works better because it doesn't have a blade...keeps mortality rates down and is easier to work if there is not a sharp blade involved when you whack the lip of the bottle. Blades are a bitch. And if it was a real saber, using it for whacking a champagne bottle would ruin a very expensive saber.) You could achieve pretty much the same purpose with an old t-square from your garage---but again, that wouldn't look as cool, would it, dweeb?

So keep your faux-saber in your specially designed box, and when you come over to my house keep that box, with the saber inside, in the trunk of your car. And keep it away from my champagne bottles. And, oh yeah: get a life.

...when you come over to my house keep that box, with the saber inside, in the trunk of your car. And keep it away from my champagne bottles. And, oh yeah: get a life.

Nice rant! But it sounds like you have a lot/too much experience with saber-happy folks! I seem to have avoided that demographic thus far.

...when you come over to my house keep that box, with the saber inside, in the trunk of your car. And keep it away from my champagne bottles. And, oh yeah: get a life.

Nice rant! But it sounds like you have a lot/too much experience with saber-happy folks! I seem to have avoided that demographic thus far.

Only that one embarrassing one at my house (the house you offlined at in the waybackwhen), thank goodness.

I have, alas, seen several otherwise rational and practical people succumb to the attraction, though. I remember when Thor went through his phase. Sigh.

And don't get me started on port tongs!

You can actually "saber" with a spoon (or basically anything with a flat metal edge). Back edge of a chef's knife is easiest. Carrying around a dull saber- maybe a bit pathetic.
One can also tell someone who is about to saber a bottle in your backyard "not near the pool, a%^hole" (I'd assume, I don't have a pool)
You really don't lose much.
It's a funny party trick, but really nothing to be proud of.

Hoke, suddenly I like you. I don't buy champagne, and have never seen someone saber a bottle in person, but I've always thought it was a silly thing to do.

I'm not allowed to have anything sharp.

Another thing I agree with your Hoke; that makes two!

Oh I don't know. I think "watch me machete this bottle of champagne" sounds pretty cool.

OK - maybe not. Even if it is someone else's bottle. Always seemed like a waste of wine to me.

Hoke,

Please tell us how your really feel. Are you for or against guests at your parties bringing "sabers" to use on your fine sparklers?

You can't call this a rant. It's really not worthy of a full blown rant. So call it a peeve.

This whole thing about sabering champagne bottles is ridiculous. A couple of people doing it, yeah sure, I can understand that. But it has totally gotten out of hand. Dweebs can buy a kit now, for godsake, so they can saber. BFD.

First, it's not that hard to do. Anything you can learn competently within about a fifteen second YoutTube video isn't that impressive a feat, guys. (And yes, it's mostly guys, I know.)

Second, but significantly more important: it doesn't serve any purpose. Except to show off---but anyone who shows off by sabering a champagne bottle more than once is ridiculous anyway (I'll give you once. Once is interest. Once is "neat, I wanna do that. It looks cool." But not more than once, sorry; then you are a dweeb who's running around ruining perfectly good champagne bottles. Go do something constructive like getting your commemorative anniversary StarTrek Footie Pajamas dry cleaned or something.) You're boasting about doing something that's simple to do, but more easily done without a damned saber, chuckles.

Third, even though it's simple, it's still easy to screw it up. Like the dweeb who came to my house one time trying to show off and requested we all tramp out to the backyard so he could impress everyone by sabering a champagne bottle. Oooooooooh! Only he sabered the top of the bottle into the deep part of my swimming pool, thank you very much. And it wasn't his bottle of champagne (ever notice how it's usually someone else's bottle they volunteer to saber?)

Fourth, it's a waste of perfectly good champagne. Haven't seen a saber boy yet that didn't waste quite a bit of the bubbly when he was hacking off the top of the bottle. Why? The axiom should be that if it's worth drinking, don't waste it by chopping at it with a sword.

Fifth, IT's NOT A GODDAM SABER ANYWAY! It may look shiny and impressive to you, dweeb, to handle a cool saber sword (and you probably have a cool "keepsake-but don't call it a toy" Star Wars Light Saber, probably with Darth Vader on it, but here's a message: that's not a real lightsaber either. Sorry.) but it's not a real saber. It's a stamped piece of metal that looks vaguely like a saber (actually, it looks closer to a machete than a saber, but it doesn't sound cool to say "watch me mahchete a bottle of champagne!!!") and it doesn't have a sharp blade. It doesn't even have a blade, much less a sharp one. You'd probably hurt yourself or hack off someone's arm if it did have a blade, so be grateful. But it's not a saber. (It actually works better because it doesn't have a blade...keeps mortality rates down and is easier to work if there is not a sharp blade involved when you whack the lip of the bottle. Blades are a bitch. And if it was a real saber, using it for whacking a champagne bottle would ruin a very expensive saber.) You could achieve pretty much the same purpose with an old t-square from your garage---but again, that wouldn't look as cool, would it, dweeb?

So keep your faux-saber in your specially designed box, and when you come over to my house keep that box, with the saber inside, in the trunk of your car. And keep it away from my champagne bottles. And, oh yeah: get a life.

This moment was found on YouTube! Use of an IPad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rottkTsI ... ata_player

Well, it's about time; thank you, Hoke It is much more practical to know how to open a bottle of wine with a shoe than with a saber.

I've only seen it done at the Pinehurst Wine Festival (around Labor Day) as far as I recall.

Everyone should saber a bottle of bubbles at least once in their lives.

At least, a cheap, champagne look-a-like, so if you waste a little wine it is not TOO expensive. In my experience (I have done it twice) the amount of fizz lost is very small. But I agree, buy your own, FPS.

I'm with Neil.
Actually, I haven't sabered anything in years, haven't felt any desire to, but now may have to do so New Year's to piss off Hoke.

I'm with Neil.
Actually, I haven't sabered anything in years, haven't felt any desire to, but now may have to do so New Year's to piss off Hoke.

I knew you did all that stuff on purpose, Dale! Of course, knowing you as I do, I also know you won't use one of your more prestigious and pricey champagnes for said sabre.

Harumph, Hoke....I happen to know a thing or two about swords.
A sport fencing sabre is far too flexible (you would NOT believe the kind of welts they can inflict on your
shoulders & arms) and light to sabre a Champagne. But when I sabre a Champagne (which is only occasionally), I use an authentic military
sabre that was manufactured in Germany for ceremonial purposes. It's not a "stamped" blade, but an
honest-to-gawd forged blade of maraging steel. True...it ain't be sharp...but you don't need a "sharp" blade for ceremonial
purposes or to sabre a champagne. But, I'm sure, it's sharp enough to take off somebody's head if swung w/ enough
force...or cause some serious damage to their neck.
How dare you accuse me of carrying a "faux" sabre, Hoke...me of all people!!! Might not of been carried by Zorro or ErrolFlynn
or JohnnyDepp...but "faux" it ain't.
Nice rant, Hoke...but you got my dander up on this one!!!
Tom

[David M. Bueker]

Allow me to translate Tom's post:

FREEDOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah, Tom gets crotchety like that whenever they make him celebrate another birthday Sets him off. That, and when his walker develops an annoying squeak.

Hoke,

You're right that opening a Champagne bottle with a sabre is totally unnecessary.

BUT IT'S FUN!!

And isn't that the whole function of Champagne (a wine that is, objectively, totally flawed by fatal volatile carbonic acidity) in the first place--to have fun?

When the occasion has presented itself, I've enjoyed opening Champagne by sabreing using the backside of a Chinese cleaver, and also using a sabre that had been hand-forged by one of the guests (a blacksmith and farrier by trade). In all cases, it was entirely unnecessary, but it was just plain fun.

Get over it, already, Hoke, sabreing Champagne is a lot of fun. And that's the point of Champagne.

Nuff said.

-Paul W.

So tonight it was just us, and I opened our Bremont conventionally
But going to dinner party tomorrow, and plan to sabre (well, chefs knife) a mag of Moncuit in Hoke's honor.

Haven't sabered Champagne before. But now I feel as if I've gotta try, just to see what this whole thing's about if it can set Hoke off like this.

Can you put a sabered bottle into the recycling bin??

While I'm pleased to be so inspirational to so many, and hope sabering is a joy to those who try it, it's not in any way my idea of fun. I've seen it, and I've done it, and came away with a resounding "feh". If it took skill or talent, I might understand it; but it takes neither. If any yobbo can do it...what's the point?

Tom, I can give a pass, because he's a swordsman (a real one) at least.

To me, it's akin to shaking up the bottle and shooting the cork into the ceiling (if not someone's eye). Or the dweeb who thinks it is the loud pop of the bottle and the foam cascading that defines champagne. I'll stay with unwiring the cage and letting the cork slip ever so delicately out of the neck, with the only sound the gas hissing gently out the neck.

Now, if you want to get your jollies with a bottle of Andre or Lejon....hey, go for it!

Hey Hoke, do have any material on port tongs.